Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
