literally had 100 drinks last night.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
