Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
