so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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