I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
