He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
