whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
