omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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