I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
