I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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