Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
