are you so shy because you have an std?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
No more Irish car bombs ever.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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