How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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