Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
