What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
