My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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