Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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