Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
