note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
