Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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