She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
