think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
