So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
