Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
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