This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
