the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
