so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
