so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
