3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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