she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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