She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
