i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
