At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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