Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
