Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i jhust puked up my retainher.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
