i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
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It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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