Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
