I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just high enough for therapy.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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