Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
