Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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