I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
