There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
