...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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