your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
