I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
