i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
