Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
