Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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