I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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