he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
