She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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