im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
