I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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