and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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