Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
