i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
