But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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