I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
