I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
