We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
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i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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